Eps 119: Solo Show - Deconstructing Natural Consequences and Personal Responsibility

Dedication to the Conscious Dad who sent in feedback about being excluded.  I am so grateful to know that there are dads out there that are enjoying my content!!  Big thanks to this dad and all dads that are listening to the show.

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Intro Sharing:

  • Thank you, listeners!!

  • Honored to serve you…

  • Mother’s Journey recap – Seattle, Portland, Boise

  • Orange County, East Hampton, St. Paul – 2018 Mother’s Journey locations

  • Boldly Embody Life – Krista Petty Raimer, Grace, Elevate

  • When I am a yes to trusting, surrender and presence is already there

  • Visioning for 2018

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Content:

Personal Responsibility and Natural Consequences

Casey headshot prayer.png
  • Natural consequences are what happens when we stay out of the way – they occur when we let things unfold

  • What do we want most for our kids? What are our desired outcomes for this whole process of parenting?

    • Reference to a poll on my personal FB page

    • Who lets their 14 year old daughter hang out in her room with her boyfriend?

  • Two lists activity from Positive Discipline class

  • The only place that our kids can develop life skills is inside of experience… and in relationship with a healthy adults supports that as well…

  • Their experiences inspire and inform future decisions

  • There is a lot learning that we are robbing our children of because we are getting in the way

  • Parents internal experience takes over

  • Mindfulness matters when we are supporting our kids in developing personal responsibility

  • Natural consequences happens when adults don’t get in the way

  • This is a dance – boundaries are respectful kids need them, we need them

  • Kids need to feel the tension

  • Mistakes allow natural consequences – when we let them feel the consequences that show up, that we aren’t IMPOSING there is lots of room to learn

  • Example – homework

  • Help them to expand their perspective of what THEY want

  • Check your assumptions… and check in with your child

  • Humans LONG to be listened to, seen

  • Kids learn personal responsibility through experiencing having the opportunity to BE personally responsible

  • What matters is the relationship – bonded in unconditional love and mutual respect

  • Allow the natural consequence the power that they have

  • Our kids want to feel connected, as though they matter and that they have influence

  • Tools: co-creating routines and agreements, loosen up, ask questions, check your unspoken messaging, family meetings

  • We all want our kids to grow into cooperative, contributing adult living good lives

  • What already exists when they make mistakes is powerful!

Coming up next week – talking with Robin Sabbag about raising a teen daughter.

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Eps 73: Dr. Ross Greene Schools us in Effective Problem Solving

Today’s guest is Ross Greene, an acclaimed author and parenting educator who works with kids with behavioral challenges. We are discussing how collaborative, proactive problem solving can reduce parenting challenges. Join us!

“Kids have information we badly need. If we don’t get that information we are at risk of plunging forward with uninformed solutions based on what we think is going on. Our theories and assumptions are often wrong. If you get what’s the matter wrong, your solution won’t work. The least fallible source of information is the kid.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

  • The role of problem solving in managing challenging behaviors

  • Why sticker charts and rationing of privileges doesn’t work for this demographic

  • Making collaborative and proactive solutions work for your family

  • Changing your mission: finding out what is getting in your kid’s way

  • The benefit of a skills based approach – coaching skills improvement through problem solving

  • The difference between control and influence

  • Parenting and education as partnering and helping

  • Collaborative vs unilateral problem solving

  • Prioritizing unmet expectations to plan proactive problem solving

  • Getting out of the heat of the moment in your parenting

  • Three steps to proactive problem solving

  • The need for realistic, mutually satisfying solutions

  • The danger of too many solutions

  • Differentiating between a failure and a solution that wasn’t mutually beneficial, realistic or incomplete

  • The messy but crucial nature of problem solving

  • Perfection vs improvement over time – being realistic about goals

  • Focusing on the right thing: learning to focus on the root cause of behavior vs the behavior itself.

What does Joyful Courage mean to you? 

There is courage that comes along with being a parent, a teacher and a staff member and doing something different because what you are finding is that what you are doing now isn’t working. I’m delighted to say that there are many many parents, educators and facilities who have had that courage and they have been remarkably helpful to their children, their students and the children in their care and that should bring them a great deal of joy as well. It takes courage to take a look at what you are doing, think about it, and try to do something differently.

Resources:

The explosive child
Lost at School
Lost and Found
Raising Human Beings
The Drilling Cheat Sheet
The B Team – Facebook Group
Elevate Your Parenting – Facebook Group
Lost & Found – Facebook Group for Educators
Lives in the Balance – Facebook Group for Clinicians

 Where to find Dr. Greene:

Lives In the Balance
Facebook
Twitter
Centre for Collaborative Problem Solving
Dr. Ross Greene

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Eps 10: Ending Entitlement with Amy McCready

Amy McCready on the Podcast – woop woop!!!

Amy McCready is a Parent Education MACHINE!  She has an amazingly popular Facebook community, and offers so many

Inspired by the work of Alfred Adler…

“The biggest difference comes when we change ourselves.”

Certified in Positive Discipline

Shout out to the recovering yellers!!

“...I love working with parenting and helping them bring out the best in themselves.”

Adlerian theory- strategies are based on respect, respect for the child and respect for the parent…  All human being have a hardwired need for belonging and significance.  We need to feel connected – to family, classroom, community.  I need to make a difference, feel like I matter…

Behavior is goal directed – always take it back to the child’s sense of belonging and/or significance..  Getting to the bottom of this is what lasts long term.  Get below the surface!

Connection without Entitlement??

It’s messy….

 The book begins with Mind, Body, Soul Time…  Spending one on one time and attention with your kids, where you are fully present, mind, body and soul.  You are fully present. Can be 10 or 15 minutes – this contributes “buckets” to belonging and significance to our kids.  Powerful opportunity for connection.

Create an environment that allows kids to learn that their actions and choices have outcomes - some positive,  some negative.  Entitled kids aren’t connected to outcomes.

Focus on - What went wrong?  What can we do different next time?

Natural Vs Logical Consequences…

“Solutions are always consequences, consequences are not always solutions.”
-       Jody McVittie

 They’re not helpless!! Take a step back – what are you currently doing for your kids that they are perfectly capable about doing for themselves?

There is a balance between helping each other out and when you are consistently doing things for them that they could be doing themselves…  Back off, little by little.

Biggest mistake that is feeding into the entitlement epidemic? Smoothing their way --- smoothing out all their potential obstacles to keep out kids from experiencing discomfort.  Does not give them the opportunity to develop resiliency.

What is a baby step for creating change for parents who recognize their have been contributing to the entitlement of their kids?  Shift responsibility for one or two things….

 Thank you Amy!!

Find Amy and her offers online:

www.amymccready.com
www.positiveparentingsolutions.com
Positive Parenting Solutions on Facebook

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