Eps 90: Larissa Dann is on Talking About How to Let Go of Consequences and Rewards

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Today’s guest is Larissa Dann, a Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) trainer. We are discussing parenting without rewards and punishments. Join us!

“Children don’t misbehave, they behave to meet a need.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

·      Being assertive without alienating our children

·      Using “I messages” to communicate needs

·      Trusting our child’s desire to be helpful vs. presenting requests in a way that is prescriptive

·       Using active listening to gain cooperation

·      The limitations of contingent rewards

·      The impact of rewards on motivation for cooperation – who are they cooperating for

·      Omitting rewards to foster self-discipline and an inner locus of control

·      Preparing children for adulthood by making them less dependent on the judgment of others

·      Using relationship skills to help your child develop a moral compass

·      The power of natural consequences in building resilience and developing internal judgments about right and wrong

·      Trusting children to care and problem solve to find mutual solutions

·      How children’s behavior is impacted by unmet needs

·      Avoiding the temptation to attribute intent or take behavior personally

·      The gift of imperfection and modeling accountability

·      The benefit of modeling alternate skills to teach solutions instead of using punishments

·      The impact we have on the world through our own parenting practices in the way we raise our kids

·      Parenting as imparting soft skills

·      Brainstorming solutions to discomfort when the activity is non-negotiable

·      Creating routines and agreements, doing with vs doing to and communicating expectations in a way that is an invitation to relationship

·      Conflict as competing needs

·      Shifting language around what “works” to what is “helpful” – moving from control to partnership

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

This is what it takes to be a child growing up in an adult’s world and it’s something we so often forget. Children so often are powerless and it takes courage for them to say no when we are the huge person in their life and when they think they might get into trouble and yet they are the most joyful beings on the planet. In the face of the most dire situations, children can somehow find that spark of joy that they can bring out from terrible situations. As a parent, it takes the courage of conviction, to parent against the flow of accepted parenting opinion and practice and the joy comes when you see your children flower and grow sometimes despite your many mistakes.

Resources:

Parent Effectiveness Training

Where to find Larissa:

Website l Facebook l Twitter l Instagram

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Eps 75: Marcilie Smith Boyle Shares Research and Brain Science Behind Positive Discipline

Today’s guest is Marcilie Smith Boyle, a Certified Positive Discipline Trainer and Certified Life and Leadership Coach who teaches Positive Discipline courses live and online, coaches individuals and groups on transitions and parenting, as well as life coaching and executive leadership coaching. We are discussing the science and research of Positive Discipline. Join us!

“ The tip of the iceberg is what you can see – that’s your child’s behavior, but underneath the surface so much more is going on.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

•    Emerging neuro-scientific research about social psychology informed by function MRIs and PET scans.
•     Principles of Positive Discipline – looking underneath behavior to build skills for long term better behavior.
•    Adlerian theory, the foundation of Positive Discipline
•    The connection between behavior and a sense of belonging
•    How mutual respect informs better behavior
•    The right to dignity and the value of solutions relative to rewards and punishments
•    Intrinsic motivation, what it is and why it matters long term.
•    The social nature of humans and how that relates to theories of the hierarchy of needs
•    The link between physical and social pain and the connection between learning and belonging
•    The impact of fight or flight on empathy, learning and problem solving skills
•    Relatedness, competence and autonomy and the way they influence behavior and feed intrinsic motivation
•    The positive outcomes of met psychological needs in relation to health, creativity, persistence, flexibility, adjustment, well-being, enjoyment, cooperation, engagement and interest.
•    Why rewards and praise sometimes backfire: the relationship between contingent rewards, autonomy and behavior
•    Baby steps to deepen your positive parenting practice
•   The difference made when we get eye to eye with our kids

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

Courage is about being brave, about feeling some fear but doing it anyways. That takes determination and focus. Courage has a feeling of seriousness. When you add Joyful to it, it adds some fun and lightness. Joyful Courage is about being courageous in a fun way. It’s a choice about how you want to practice your bravery.

Resources:

Positive Discipline
Social by Matthew Lieberman
Hidden Costs of Reward – Mark R. Lepper
 

Upcoming Offers from Marcilie:
February 8th:: 6 Obstacles to Peaceful, Positive Parenting – Free tele-class
Starting March 1st: Peaceful Parents, Cooperative Kids Interactive Virtual Workshop Series – 8 week series 

Where to find Marcilie:

Website l Facebook l Twitter

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Eps 73: Dr. Ross Greene Schools us in Effective Problem Solving

Today’s guest is Ross Greene, an acclaimed author and parenting educator who works with kids with behavioral challenges. We are discussing how collaborative, proactive problem solving can reduce parenting challenges. Join us!

“Kids have information we badly need. If we don’t get that information we are at risk of plunging forward with uninformed solutions based on what we think is going on. Our theories and assumptions are often wrong. If you get what’s the matter wrong, your solution won’t work. The least fallible source of information is the kid.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

  • The role of problem solving in managing challenging behaviors

  • Why sticker charts and rationing of privileges doesn’t work for this demographic

  • Making collaborative and proactive solutions work for your family

  • Changing your mission: finding out what is getting in your kid’s way

  • The benefit of a skills based approach – coaching skills improvement through problem solving

  • The difference between control and influence

  • Parenting and education as partnering and helping

  • Collaborative vs unilateral problem solving

  • Prioritizing unmet expectations to plan proactive problem solving

  • Getting out of the heat of the moment in your parenting

  • Three steps to proactive problem solving

  • The need for realistic, mutually satisfying solutions

  • The danger of too many solutions

  • Differentiating between a failure and a solution that wasn’t mutually beneficial, realistic or incomplete

  • The messy but crucial nature of problem solving

  • Perfection vs improvement over time – being realistic about goals

  • Focusing on the right thing: learning to focus on the root cause of behavior vs the behavior itself.

What does Joyful Courage mean to you? 

There is courage that comes along with being a parent, a teacher and a staff member and doing something different because what you are finding is that what you are doing now isn’t working. I’m delighted to say that there are many many parents, educators and facilities who have had that courage and they have been remarkably helpful to their children, their students and the children in their care and that should bring them a great deal of joy as well. It takes courage to take a look at what you are doing, think about it, and try to do something differently.

Resources:

The explosive child
Lost at School
Lost and Found
Raising Human Beings
The Drilling Cheat Sheet
The B Team – Facebook Group
Elevate Your Parenting – Facebook Group
Lost & Found – Facebook Group for Educators
Lives in the Balance – Facebook Group for Clinicians

 Where to find Dr. Greene:

Lives In the Balance
Facebook
Twitter
Centre for Collaborative Problem Solving
Dr. Ross Greene

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Join the Joyful CourageTribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage.  Raising our children while growing ourselves...

::::::::::

Make sure to SUBSCRIBE to the Joyful Courage Podcast on iTunes to get the latest shows STRAIGHT to your device!!  AND PLEASE rate and review the Joyful Courage Parenting Podcast on iTunes to help me spread the show to an ever larger audience!!