Eps 140: Documentary Filmmaker, Delaney Ruston, is on Talking About Screens and Our Kids

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Today’s guest is Delaney Ruston, a documentary filmmaker. She believes in helping kids find balance in our tech filled world. She loves engaging audiences in solution centered discussions. We are discussing her work making the film Screenagers and how to support our kids with finding balance. Join us!

“Just start with one simple change that you want to make and the real growth is when you talk about that with your kids and you show them your journey in trying to make that change.”

“Maybe just pick one thing that you could decide to do that you’re not using tech as you normally would.”

“The key, the most absolute important thing about it is starting with something positive about technology.”

“The brain has a really hard time holding two opposite truths at the same time and it’s particularly hard for kids and teens.”  

“To find sustainable solutions for tech balance and the child and teen brain we’re going to have to work together.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

·        The neuroscience of technology use and over-use

delaney_ruston_filmmaker_bio_pic-1521032975-2620.jpg

·       The individual child and technology use - micro impacts vs metadata

·       Setting attainable goals for technology use reduction

·       The power of changing just one thing

·       Recognizing the difficulty of cognitive dissonance in conversations about technology

·       Reducing defensiveness in technology conversations

·       Why 30% of families are struggling with daily fights about technology

·       What studies say about parent device use

·       Distracted parenting and interactions with our kids

·       Learning new skills: how this changes as kids grow

·       Self-regulation and parenting involvement in creating limits

·       Setting aside screen free time as a family

·       Technology and sleep - setting boundaries for wellness

·       Guidelines for young kids to set the stage for later technology use

·       Sleep time, Study time and Family time - technology boundaries

·       Digital etiquette ideas

·       When you’ve given up and need to reign things in

·       Taking stock of how we use our time

·       How to bring Screenagers into your community

·       School policies: prevalence of device use in middle and high schools

·       Impact of device use on academics in middle and high schools

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

I think life as a learning adventure is why we are on this planet and any time we can change any situation into a learning mentality it saves the day 100% So, we can only put ourselves in those situations when we have the courage to try something new and to know that when we change our mindset to realize, “Hey, what did I learn from that situation?” That’s where the real joy comes from.     

Resources:

Tech Talk Tuesdays

Where to find Delaney:

Screenagersmovie.com l Delaneyruston.com

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Eps 99: Casey is Solo Exploring Boundaries, Agreements and Screen Time

Welcome back to the show!

Let me share my own story from the trenches… You aren’t the only one who has kids who act like you are ruining their lives when you ask them to help our around the house…  AND, it is a beautiful thing when your kids turn it around and own their behavior, right? It is a good thing, yes, but I am getting curious about if I am inadvertently raising a people pleaser….?? 

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A question from the community

Mama Denise shares “Literally losing my mind on first day of summer vacation over iPads. I don't have an ounce of energy for a single tool. I'm the worst mom ever, according to my daughter (5y 10mos). And my 7 1/2 yo son "needs this mower" on a farm simulator game. Literally feel like pitching these machines in the dumpster. Thank you for listening.”

These are the struggles where we can release most of the load and pull our kids into co-creation. Casey takes Denise’s familiar scenario and leads us through the practice of intention, presence and solution.

  • Showing up intentionally, rather than reactively

  • Creating intention and applying it to our lens and presence

  • Noticing the ease of intention when the ride is smooth and the rockiness when things fall apart

  • Creating routines that help kids know what is happening and allowing them to have influence

  • Making agreements to help kids create boundaries

  • Identifying needs vs. privileges. ex. Screen time – it is a privilege

  • Privilege comes after contributions

  • Difference between contribution vs. chores

  • A privilege differs from a reward

  • It’s not about “earning”, it’s about “management”

  • Guiding kids to have a voice in solutions when they feel an agreement or routine is not working

  • Seeing the tip of the iceberg and KNOW that beneath the surface is a request for boundaries

  • Allowing children a voice means we hold them as contributors to the cause

  • Children are more likely to follow through when they have a voice in the creation of the agreement

  • Introducing offer and counter offer tool – teaches parent how to let go of agenda, control and rigidity

  • Sharing power when stakes are low

Resources:

Routine Handout
Agreement Handout

Stay Tuned:

Coming up is our 100th Episode!!! I am so pleased and honored to have Tina Payne Bryson PhD, co-author of the Whole Brained Child, on our 100th Episode. 100 y’all! Can you believe it!? Tell your friends, co-workers and neighbors. Remember to subscribe for instant access to new podcasts and automatic access to scrumptious listening from pasts guests!

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Coaching with Casey is a three month commitment. We will explore your vision for parenting and even bigger, how you want to show up for your life. We explore mindset, and how shifts in mindset create big shifts in relationship. And finally, we deep dive into the tools and strategies of Positive Discipline for teaching, modeling and practicing life skills.

Coaching is an investment. If you would like to find out more, and explore the possibility that coaching is a good fit for you, schedule a 20 minute explore call.  Click here and we will schedule our call!

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Eps 55: Jo Langford Talks Porn, Sexting and Social Media

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Jo Langford is a therapist and sex educator from Seattle, WA. Our conversation today will cover porn, social media ediquette, and sexting (yikes!). In a culture that is becoming ever more sexualized, how do we keep our kids safe and smart about what is out there? Joe and I have a very candid conversation about conversations to have with our children, while still maintaining relationship and family values…

Highlights:

  • Jo has two kids, a middle schooler and an almost middle schooler. He is living his work!

  • He’s been changing the world and making it better since high school.

  • Joe trains parents, teachers and staff of organizations such as the YMCA and the Boys and Girls Club.

  • Harder for kids to NOT see porn, than it is to be ABLE to see it.

  • Families are getting in touch with Joe because their 10-16 year old is looking at a lot of porn parents talk about it and child continues to engage in it.

  • What conversations you can have with your kids when they are noticing all of the opportunities to see/look at porn.

  • When you see porn you can never “un-see” it.

  • Instead of “how do I keep my child from being exposed to porn?” today, we need to be asking, “how do I handle it when my child sees porn?” – this is the reality based on statistic

  • Open conversations are key… Keep them talking, by practicing your neutral face and manage your own stuff when they come to you to have tough conversations. The message becomes “I can handle what you bring me, no matter what.

  • What happens in the brain? Kicks up the pleasure centers, big hit of dopamine… If they continue to watch, the brain gets desensitized and wants to get to the next level.

  • Talk to kids about building boundaries around tech. Encourage them to have real relationships, how to unplug, how to manage friends/people who sext. Rules/guidelines around where the phone/screen lives at night… Don’t wait until you NEED the guidelines – put them into place now.

  • “Monitoring” software that Joe recommends – builds muscles of restraint and self control when kids have some access while also knowing that parents will see where they go – “we are trying to raise good grown ups”

  • Qustidio – controlled through wifi – put the browser on kids devices. Controls, time limits, helpful.

  • Disney’s Circle – easy to use, hooks up to wifi, all devices get put into categories (grown ups, teens, kids) and put time limits on use, also over 3G. AWESOME!

  • Best strategy is to put most of the ownership and responsibility on the kids.

  • “Not about me trusting you, it’s about you showing that you are trustworthy.”

  • Joe has amazingly helpful PDFs on his website

  • Making agreements together is key to our kids follow through.

  • The internet is forever! You leave a trail….

  • Grown ups are the models of what is appropriate/inappropriate – be good role models!

  • SM challenges Joe sees with parents – Snapchat, no way to monitor because it all disappears… “Deeper end of pool” – super popular. Starting out with Snapchat is a huge mistake – kids need to start with FB or IG, and wade into social networking pool to learn how to interact online. Snapchat is more for later/older teens.

  • Roll out the SM access, rather than giving kids full access from the beginning. Let them flex and develop their muscles.

  • Get on the apps they want to use with them, let them teach you, normalize communicating with each other through this media.

  • How do we help our kids deal with sexting? Statistically 20% - 30% of teens send pics, doubles when it is only “words” Girls sometimes start the behavior because they know the boys will respond. Joe advises the boys to respond with “this isn’t something you need to do… here are three things I like about you besides your boobs” – our girls are getting the wrong message about how to connect/get attention.

  • Joe has a PDF about sexting – great prompts for powerful conversation.

  • Kids have less hangups about sex and seem to be more comfortable with their bodies, but there is an abyss they can tumble into – we want them to be more discerning and thoughtful about who they share that with.

  • Musical.ly – lip synch app. Conversations about song choice and messages they are sending to the world. Others make meaning/assessments of you (kids) based on what you put out there….

  • Developing a discerning mind… All about practice.

 

Where to find Joe:

www.beheroes.net

Facebook l Twitter

Spare Me the Talk – written for teen boys

Spare Me the Talk the Girl Guide

 

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

“Taking risks that make you feel good about yourself.”

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Join the Joyful CourageTribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage.  Raising our children while growing ourselves...

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Make sure to SUBSCRIBE to the Joyful Courage Podcast on iTunes to get the latest shows STRAIGHT to your device!!  AND PLEASE rate and review the Joyful Courage Parenting Podcast on iTunes to help me spread the show to an ever larger audience!!