EPS 49: Talking Point from the Stanford Sexual Assault Case and the Orlando Shooting With Amy Lang and Jen O'Ryan

Welcome! Today’s episode features TWO guests, Amy Lang and Dr. Jen O’Ryan. Amy is a sexuality educator who helps parents have conversations with kids about healthy sexuality; she previously joined us for Episodes 8 and 33. Jen holds a PhD in human behavior and specifically works with children and adolescents in gender minorities, especially LGBTQ kids. She joined us for Episode 35. These conversations were prompted by the important talking points which emerged from two recent news stories: the Stanford rape case and the Orlando nightclub shooting. Join us for these important conversations!

What you’ll hear in this episode:

From Amy:

  • The Stanford case boils down to consent: How do we help our kids be smarter than that?

  • Bad decisions and entitlement: a dangerous mix

  • Teach kids about consent: Use the words permission, asking and giving, and agreement.

  • When everyone is “out of their heads,” there is NO CONSENT!

  • Yes means YES. No means NO. Stop means STOP!

  • With young kids, respect their right to say no to unwanted hugs/kisses; as adults, ASK for a hug/kiss.

  • How to use transition phrases to awkward moments

  • “Tricky people”

    • Be explicit with kids about family rules.

    • Plant seeds about sexuality conversations.

    • Teach them NOT to expect entitlement.

  • Amy’s book about dating, to help kids figure out their dating values (See Resources below)

  • Why we need to model conflict resolution for our kids

  • “Yes” girls and red flags in dating—Are you ready for sex?

  • Be open, available, and neutral for your kids.

From Jen:

  • With news of any tragedy, it’s better to give kids small pieces of information that they can process rather than overwhelm them with ALL the details.

  • How to “check in” with your LGBTQ kids

  • Jen’s experience in London this week with a drag queen show paying tribute to the Orlando victims

  • Adults have communities and support systems in place, but most kids don’t.

  • The human element of these victims: brother, sisters, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, etc.

  • Social change is a product of humanization.

  • The verbage to use? LGBTQ, queer, etc.

  • Remember that kids process information at different speeds than adults.

  • Have conversations with kids about safety, dangers, reassurance, and empowerment.

  • The best response is always unity and solidarity.

  • With 5-7 year olds: listen and watch how they play, and make space for them to express feelings.

  • With older kids: create safe spaces for them to talk, and check for signs of depression or social withdrawal.

  • It’s OK to talk about it!

Resources:

Dating Smarts: What Every Teen Needs to Know to Date, Relate, or Wait by Amy Lang
www.birdsandbeesandkids.com
www.birdsandbeescourse.com (Amy’s new online course for parents!)
www.savvyparentssafekids.com
Tea Consent video (on youtube!)
www.mykidcameout.com  (Jen’s website with resources, blog, and email info. Find her on Facebook, too!)
Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent, ages 1-21

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Eps 27: Amy Lang talks Middle School "Dating" (YIKES)

Amy Lang of birdsandbeesandkids.com is back on this show and THIS time we are going next level....

We are talking about dating and middle school.

You all know that as a mother of a 13 year old, this topic is near and dear to my heart... Amy breaks it down for us, offers insights to contemplate, and may make a few of you a wee bit uncomfortable with her no-nonsense talk about what it developmentally appropriate at this age.

The result is a fun, informative and candid conversation that may take you back to your own middle school dating years.... 

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1985.....

Awkward boy, "Uh, do you want to go with me?"

Me, "Sure."

My mom, "Where are you gonna GO???"

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Bwahahahaaaa --- listen in!!

We do talk about sex, so the show may not be one you want to play over the speakers of your car or home.

Follow Amy:
Sign up for her newsletter on her website - www.birdsandbeesandkids.com
On Facebook 
On Twitter
On Instagram

Enjoy!!

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Talking About the Birds and Bees and Kids with Amy Lang

Who is Amy Lang?

www.birdsandbeesandkids.com

Sexual Health Educator for 20 years –

Works primarily with parents of kids preschool  - middle school

Keep it real, keep it age appropriate, be honest…

The more open and honest we are, the safer kids are…

The more informed kids are the more empowered they are…

"Sex, sexuality (relationships and connection) drives everything we do – in our families, how we relate to each other, culture and media – music!  And we run around and pretend its not happening…" 

Amy’s newsletter is the bomb!!

Harder for kids to avoid porn now than it was for us to find it when we were kids…

Because porn creates a chemical “thrill” kids will go back to what they’ve seen - can’t believe it, can’t stop looking at it…

“Junk food sex ed”

-       porn
-   convo on the playground/ from other kids

 Sex ed should be getting short and sweet convos from a very early age…  How babies are made, body development, sexuality, happy healthy relationships with YOUR VALUES included…

Sexuality is a part of what makes us HUMAN.

Outlier parents have to put up with discomfort around “If I tell my kids about sex, they are going to tell everyone...”

What we can say to our children:

“This is a private conversations we have in our family, its not your job to tell other kids, its their mom and dad to tell other kids…  people are weird and uncomfortable – and its safer to take to me about this…” 

Sets them up with some boundaries.

Talking openly is protective, teaches them bodies are private = sexual abuse prevention…

Demonstrating openness by talking about sex. Reinforces that we mean it when we say,“You can tell me anything…”

Pre-5th grade --- biological stuff/nuts and bolts/how things work/term defining

Always talking about values

Middle school --- social/emotional aspects of relating/dating/ talking about being “in relationship” with another person – noticing in movies/tv – normalizing the ups and downs of relationships

Asking about what is happening in peers groups/what ifs/how are they feeling about what they are seeing --- EMPOWER THEM WITH INFORMATION AND CONVERSATION

Sharing values, influencing them so they can make their own, informed decisions…  And you want to be in their head as much as possible!

Long acting reversable contraception  (LARC)  – 5-7 years of no pregnancy/no period

 

Amy’s Offers:

Birds+Bees+Kids Website

- Videos and webinars

- Resource list

- Blog

 

Go watch the videos and CALM DOWN about talking to your kids about this!!

FB - Birds+Bees+Kids

Twitter - @birdsandbees

Sign up for Amy's newsletter 

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