We have reached the mid-point of the ecourse...
Are you in it? Have you been creating systems for journaling and remembering to find your tree and having conversations with your kids? Are you taking advantages of opportunities to speak the new language, share your own bugs and wishes, make amends?
Here is what is really important to remember - change doesn't happen over night. It happens when we focus our efforts on choosing to practice a new way of being.
Remember weaning your child off the breast, bottle or pacifier? Remember how it took time for them to figure out how to navigate the world without that thing that was a constant in their life? Remember how they asked for it anyways, even though you had made it clear, no more?
Well, you will notice that it will take time for the effort you are putting into this to pay off. It will take time for the kids to remember to practice bugs and wishes, feel the payoff of making amends.
They are emotional beings, with very limited life experience to draw from and not a lot of skills for figuring out how to stay level headed when flooded by the feelings of the moment.
Be consistent. Return to the conversations you have already begun with your kids. Model what you want to see. Repeat what you value, over and over... Change will happen.
Continuing the practice...
While you will be introduced to some new tools this week, the work you have begun over the last two weeks continues.
As you begin to practice the in-the-moment tools presented in week three, thinking tree will be a really important tool to sink into as support for your work.
Sometimes it gets worse, before it gets better.
If your kids are used to you showing up a certain way, they may just resist all this new-you to get back to what is familiar. Thinking tree will allow you to show up as connected and firm, respecting them and respecting your values, regardless of how the kids show up.
It takes time and practice.
Keep journaling. Some of you have shared that while you have every intention of doing this, it hasn't happened. I am telling you this will transform your experience. And I cannot do it for you. This is where personal responsibility shows up. You said yes to this offer. You said yes to the chance to facilitate change in your children's relationship. That was your first step. Now - how in are you? Are you willing to do the work?
Continue to notice all the physical/emotional sensations and stories that show up each day... Reflect on what you are noticing. Celebrate where you are seeing changes, both internally and with your children.
I keep saying this over and over, but this is a practice. It is not about getting to an ideal time when everyone gets along and conflict no longer shows up - it is about what you are doing today. This moment. It is about the choices you are making right now with your kids.
Keep getting familiar with your tree.
Use the Facebook community as a safe space for puzzling this all out, and know you can always reach out to me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Before you dive into the videos for week three, take time to go through your journal. If you haven't begun this practice, forgive yourself, then find a pad of paper and explore what the experience has been like for you so far.
Explore what you have been noticing, what is going well, and where things fell apart. Try and take an outside perspective and get curious about what was happening that fed into things that went well, or things that didn't go so well. Get curious. Reflect and look for pattens that you may have missed up until now.
Then, write down three things about yourself that you are grateful for.
And finally, write down three things about your family that you are grateful for.
Lesson three/Part one
Non-judgmental noticing is all about allowing your kids to hear and consider what is happening from an outside perspective. It is that fist baby step that takes them from being in the problem to looking at the problem. It's not always enough to stop the conflict, but it is a tool for moving kids to a place where they are ready to use tools from last week for problem solving.
Lesson three/Part two
Decide what you will do
Deciding what you will do is a great tool to for showing your kids that you mean what you say and you will follow through. Often we give out empty threats hoping it will be enough to get our kids to cooperate - offering loads of warnings... Decide what you will do is a tool that is both proactive AND in the moment. Play around with it and see how it goes.
Lesson three/Part three
The Four Bs
This final video shares four different approaches to staying out of the sibling conflict. Getting you involved is the primary reason sibling conflict gets out of control. These approaches allows kids the time and space for problem solving... There is no approach that works perfectly every time, but these are powerful tools to practice and notice how it changes the space and outcome.