- October 2016
- Jul 7, 2016 Thoughts from a White Middle Class Mama... Jul 7, 2016
- May 2016
- Apr 25, 2016 Discomfort May be the Birthplace of Resiliency Apr 25, 2016
- Mar 30, 2016 Parenting with Empathy Mar 30, 2016
- Dec 27, 2015 Declare the Parent You Want to Be Dec 27, 2015
- Sep 29, 2015 Crush Season has Arrived... Sep 29, 2015
- Aug 22, 2015 Chores again? Aug 22, 2015
- May 6, 2015 Helping them help themselves... May 6, 2015
- Apr 14, 2015 Three Tools for Taking Back Bedtime Apr 14, 2015
- Feb 4, 2015 What was our agreement? Feb 4, 2015
- Jan 8, 2015 Get off that train!! Jan 8, 2015
- December 2014
- Oct 27, 2014 Remembering the process... Oct 27, 2014
- Oct 18, 2014 Working On My Foundation Oct 18, 2014
- Oct 6, 2014 3 Mistakes and 3 Tools for Inviting Our Kids to do Chores Oct 6, 2014
- September 2014
- July 2014
- June 2014
- Apr 29, 2014 Locating my inner Buddha... Apr 29, 2014
- March 2014
- Feb 23, 2014 How Learning to Play the Guitar is Making Me a Better Parent Feb 23, 2014
- Jan 26, 2014 Today was a WIN Jan 26, 2014
- Dec 12, 2013 Finding Our Center Dec 12, 2013
- Oct 8, 2013 Self Control – Not Just for Kids… Oct 8, 2013
- Sep 30, 2013 The Starting and Finishing... Sep 30, 2013
- Sep 16, 2013 Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself Sep 16, 2013
- Sep 11, 2013 "Oh, I forgot." Sep 11, 2013
- Sep 7, 2013 Putting Out the Other Fires Sep 7, 2013
- Sep 4, 2013 Positive Discipline, the Early Years Workshop Sep 4, 2013
- Sep 3, 2013 Back to School - Tips for Inviting Calm and Cooperation Sep 3, 2013
- Aug 20, 2013 The Teen Brain and Other Musings... Aug 20, 2013
- June 2013
- May 20, 2013 Whole Brain Mama May 20, 2013
- Apr 1, 2013 Connection Starts with YOU! Apr 1, 2013
- March 2013
- February 2013
- January 2013
- December 2012
- Nov 6, 2012 Falling Apart, Growing Together Nov 6, 2012
- October 2012
- September 2012
- Aug 31, 2012 Bow and Arrow Aug 31, 2012
- July 2012
- June 2012
- May 2012
- Apr 27, 2012 What would Adler think? Apr 27, 2012
- March 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- Dec 9, 2011 My Happiness Project Dec 9, 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
Are you committed to long term parenting?
Are you committed to raising your children to one day be adults with the skills they need to navigate the world? Skills like problem solving, self-regulation, organization, compassion, and solution finding?
When you look ahead, are you hopeful that your adult child can advocate for themselves, get out of tricky situations, fight for what they believe in, and embrace mistakes as opportunities to learn and take accountability?
Do you want them to be responsible, to use their voice, to know that they can get through even the toughest emotions and situations?
Then you must allow them to practice these skills - over and over again.
And consider laying off the consequences.
Wait, what did she just say?
Yup, you read that right:
I am inviting you to consider putting consequences at the BOTTOM of your list of parenting tools.
Why would I suggest this?
Well, there are a couple of reasons. The first one is that consequences often don’t teach the skills kids need for navigating situations differently. Instead, consequences are used as a “you had better do this or that or else” type of strategy. And that assumes that your child already has the skills they need to do better, and that the threat of consequence will somehow “motivate” them to handle things differently.
I love the word DECLARE. It feels very official to me. It’s like, keeping it real, making it happen, truly aligning with something.
When I work with parents, I often start off by inviting them to explore the parent they want to be… Who do they want to be when the shit hits the fan and things fall apart? How do they want to show up? What qualities do they want to embody in those tough, heated moments?
Because guess what? This is life, the shit hits the fan, and if you’re a parent, it happens pretty regularly.
So why not be prepared for it?
Never have I heard a parent say something like, “My child woke up in a great mood, appreciated the breakfast I made, and went upstairs to clean his room before school… And I feel so guilty about how I reacted!!!”
And why not? Because it is easy to show up as your best self when things are going well, when you feel seen and respected and connected to those around you.
And like I said, this is life, and things get messy --- so why not prepare a bit for the messy?
Here’s what you can do:
· Think of three qualities that are missing when you find your self triggered (mine are connection, compassion and love)
· Write them on post it notes and stick them around your world
· Set three alarms on your phone to remind you to take 30 seconds to practice breathing those qualities into your body throughout the day
· When the shit hits the fan, choose to invite those qualities in (and trust that is exactly what the situation is calling for...)
· Forgive yourself when your old pattern shows up and stay committed to the process
When we practice the way of being that we desire, it becomes more available when we need it. Over time we can lengthen the pause between the challenge and the reaction, giving ourselves the chance to respond in a way that is helpful not hurtful.
We must be intentional about this practice.
So make your own declaration – declare the parent you want to be! Share in the comments or in the Live and Love with Joyful Courage Facebook group.
Big love – Casey
P.S. I am also declaring more regular blog posts in 2016 – yay!