Eps 136: Kelly Bos talks about how NOT to become your child's inner critic

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Today’s guest is Kelly Flannigan Bos, MSW. Kelly is a clinical therapist focusing on individual, marriage, and family relationships. She helps people find meaning and joy in their relationships - with themselves and others. As a well-known relationship expert, she has appeared in a professional capacity in countless media markets as a guest and writer. Today we are discussing an article she wrote in November called, “I don’t want to write the script for my child’s inner critic.” Join us!

“We’re not always going to have the perfect reactions and we can certainly apologize when we haven’t kept our cool or done the right thing. There’s ways to model other things like resolution or forgiveness.” 

Does a good brow beating make us feel better, more able to face the challenges ahead of us? Usually not. We often shame ourselves into inertia. Would we ever say these words to a friend? There is a better way. We can be kind to ourselves and get better results and I definitely want kind self talk for my kids." 

“It’s a constant journey but it’s one I know I want to be on so I just keep starting again and if I can be self-compassionate to myself, then I have something to give outside as well.”

What you’ll hear in this episode:

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  • The role of self-compassion in parenting
  • The three tenets of self-compassion
  • Moving past the isolation of the shame of not meeting our own expectations
  • Over-identification with our problems and how mindfulness can make a difference
  • Worry and the reality of the lack of accuracy of our future prediction
  • Phases of parenting and worry
  • Brain development and parenting – developmental challenges
  • Getting out of the emotional whirlwind
  • The role of self-comfort, recognizing and acknowledging our own suffering
  • Self-compassion as a way to build capacity for parenting challenges
  • Self-compassion and it’s relationship to compassion we can extend to others
  • Self-compassion for avoiding depletion
  • Making self-compassion part of common language in the family
  • Family meetings as a vehicle for communicating self-compassion
  • Separating the child from the behavior
  • Problem solving to avoid over identification with problems
  • Fear as a barrier to positive parenting
  • Self care as self-compassion
  • What to do when you have no room for self-care

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

I think this question is such a great one and it changes often a little bit depending on what we are talking about but I wanted to bring it back to a self-compassion idea. So, joyful courage, when we talk about it today, I’m thinking it really means being able to be loving to myself, even when I don’t feel very lovable, be loving to myself and find that sense of happiness and peace and joy. So being able to push on through things, to hold myself, and know that I’m going to get through this, and I can do something different tomorrow, or I can continue to do it this way, whatever it is, whatever the message needs to be, courageously give yourself that message and you push forward and you’re loving and kind, not judge yourself and finding that you’re a part of many, many people struggling today and you’re not the problem. You’re okay in this moment.

Resources:

I don’t want to write the script for my child’s inner critic

Where to find Kelly:

Facebook l Twitter l Instagram l Website l Youtube

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