Eps 174: Learning to be a more mindful communicator with Oren Jay Sofer

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Today’s guest is Oren Jay Sofer, the author of Say What You Mean - A Mindful Approach to Non-Violent Communication. He leads retreats and workshops on mindful communication at meditation centres and education settings around the US. Oren is a graduate of the IMS Spirit Rock teacher training program. He holds a degree in comparative religion from Columbia University, teaches in the Insight Meditation community and is a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner and a certified trainer of non-violent communication. Oren creates mindfulness training programs for a number of organizations including Mindful Schools, Kaiser Permanente, and 10% Happier. He lives in Richmond, California. Join us!

 

"If we can’t actually listen to each other and have a meaningful conversation when we disagree, it’s impossible to work together to address the challenges that we’re facing”

 

“We can’t wait for the opportunities where presence is needed to practice presence.”

 

“Even when we can't meet our child's needs we can help them to know and recognize that their needs matter to us.”

 

“Our feelings are a reflection of our needs.”

 

What you’ll hear in this episode:

·       Being in response vs reaction

·       Communication as a way of navigating conflict mindfully

·       3 foundations for successful conversations and effective communication

·       The role of presence in communication

·       The ambient stress of raising a child

·       Owning our responses in times of stress

·       Exercising self-compassion in relation to parenting-related stress

·       Integrating moments of awareness into your day

·       Creating daily rituals into mindfulness

·       Mindfulness as a way to mitigate cumulative stress

·       Mindfulness as a way to be present in our relationships

·       Mindfulness as awareness and a way to raise our baseline kindness and presence

·       Preparing for parenting with mindfulness through practicing

·       Practice as a way of creating a new way of being

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·       Creating awareness of the impact of our actions on others

·       Discussing our needs instead of blame

·       Being realistic about our ability to meet all of our child’s needs

·       Intention in communication and mindfulness

·       Approaching communication from a place of curiosity and care

·        Curiosity as a way of being

·       The need for intention to be genuine

·       Feelings of a reflection of needs

·       Increasing emotional literacy to enhance communication

·       Helping children to problem solve as an alternative to “consequences”

·       Connecting before correcting

·       Conflict as an opportunity for learning

·       Where to start when you realize you need to improve your communication

·       Learning to pause, be curious and consider the needs of others

·       Connection through perspective shift

 

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

So I think what joyful courage means to me is it's rooted in the recognition that the places that we struggle, the places that we're scared of the places that we feel pain actually hold the precious gift of our own freedom and when we recognize that having the courage to turn towards those places and to actually include them in our life and learn from them becomes a process that's joyful because we know why we're doing it. It's not just about “I've got to trudge through this” but we've experienced to some degree and have a deep faith that there's there's actually a gift waiting for me on the other side.

 

Resources:

Say What You Mean book

Parenting From Your Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection, and Choice (Nonviolent Communication Guides)

Text “guided” 44222 to sign up for a short ebook and free guided meditation series

 

Where to find Oren:

Website

Instagram

Facebook

Twitter

LinkedIn

Youtube

           

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Eps 163: Solo show about raising boys, healthy masculinity, and growing emotional intelligence

Join the Joyful Courage Tribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage.  Raising our children while growing ourselves...

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Solo Show this week!

First – continues thanks for all of the feedback around the last solo show, where I shared about navigating my daughters mental health issues. It means the world to me to know that the content of the show is landing for you, and making a difference in your life!

This week I am talking about our boys.

  • Toxic Masculinity

  • We have to do better for our boys

  • Partners – emotional intelligence is for everyone

  • Posturing

  • Fragile Egos

  • Curiosity

  • Routine of talking about how we feel

  • It’s not coddling – if we keep toughening them up and having them suppress how they feel we will continue to see cultures where war and violence exist

  • Not blaming

  • Not from a place of fear

  • We all get to be full humans

  • Boys and their fear of labels

  • Build Skills

  • More than just “walk away”

  • Saving face w/o being a dick

  • Being a champion

  • People like him. He can take criticism, doesn’t make people choose friends, and doesn’t blow off someone for a better offer. When people are harassed or demeaned, he intervenes. He’s comfortable hanging out with guys who are both inside and outside the box. He holds his own opinion, but still listens to others.

  • TALK ABOUT IT BEING HARD

  • VALIDATE THEIR EXPERIENCE

  • SUPPORT THEM IN RESPONSES TO LIFE

  • This isn’t helicoptering

  • Belonging significance influence

  • Aren’t feeling it, they will take it where they can

  • Posturing

    • Insecure OR entitled

    • All boys fall into a role where they feel safe

  • Talk to your boys

  • Keep talking

  • Talk about emotions

  • Check your “should/shouldn’t’ at the door

  • Be open, own your mistakes, encourage them when you see life skills on display

  • Love them up

Resources mentioned:
Masterminds and Wingmen by Rosalind Wiseman

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Joyful Courage Coaching

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Back by popular demand!! The Joyful Courage intention bracelets are back in stock and I am THRILLED to have been able to have had the community vote on the reminders that are on them…. Breathe, Pause, Trust, Surrender, Kindness – what do you need?

Daily Intention Cards

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Eps 110: Finding the Need Beneath the Behavior with Alison Smith

Meet Alison Smith, mother to two adorable kids, proud wife, former elementary school teacher  and now teacher coach, advocate and revolutionary in win/win parenting.  Like many of us Alison had visions of being the best, doing the best and really being that one adult that impacted her students lives powerfully.  As a self identified recovering perfectionist, Alison entered the teaching world and become a mother. It did not take long to identify that something in the work with children had to change. Fueled by her passion and her journey, Aliso identified a need for teachers to feel supported in their work.  In her coaching, teachers are inspired and supported to be the most authentic, joyful and wholehearted teacher they can be.

IN THIS EPISODE:

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  • Alison shares Bonnie Harris’ iceberg analogy and how it guides parents to identify the underlying root of a child’s behavior.

  • Like a medical issue, we often treat the symptom until the symptoms persist then we are forced to find the root cause.

  • Realizing that the child’s behavior that triggers us is the root cause of our reaction and inability to connect and show up best for the child.

  • Only when we dig into our roots and what is underneath our icebergs can we better guide our children through their own experiences.

  • Triggers can cause us to panic and ‘future trip’ into fear about our child’s behavior, enabling us into unhelpful methods.

  • Using our curiosity to dig to the root - is my child hungry, tired, overstimulated, cold, hot, uncomfortable, lonely?.

  • Once we identify our triggers we can move into the practice of showing up the way our kids need us to. We chose connection and enforcement that they matter.

  • Often we misjudge our kids motivation and intention leading to disconnection and an increase in the child’s mischief.

  • Once a parent gets it and truly understands the process begins within the parent first then the practice strengthens and the child, family and parent begin to thrive.

  • There is no one perfect general response to situations with your child.

  • Practicing prevention, in-the-moment and then repair strategies alleviate and get to the root of the issue.

  • An open conversation on how parenting is shifting from authoritarian to permissive. Why parents today need something to change and are willing to find the courage to revolutionize how the adult/child relationship evolves.

 Where to find Alison:

Website l Facebook l Instagram l You Tube
Change the World in A Generation (video)

 

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PNW FALL TOUR!!

Registration remains open for my Bellingham, Seattle, Portland AND BOISE events and SPACE IS LIMITED so you are going to want to sign up NOW and reserve your spot.

www.joyfulcourage.com/mothersjourney

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Coaching with Casey

Are you playing with the idea of one on one coaching? I currently have a few spots available in my schedule and would LOVE to work with you.

Coaching with Casey is a three month commitment. We will explore your vision for parenting and even bigger, how you want to show up for your life. We explore mindset, and how shifts in mindset create big shifts in relationship. And finally, we deep dive into the tools and strategies of Positive Discipline for teaching, modeling and practicing life skills.

Coaching is an investment. If you would like to find out more, and explore the possibility that coaching is a good fit for you, schedule a 20 minute explore call.  Click here and we will schedule our call!

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Eps 48: Taming the Toddlers and Haters with Julietta Skoog

Welcome! My guest today is a dear friend, Julietta Skoog, who is a positive discipline trainer. She joined us as a guest on Episode 4 about Family Meetings. It’s hard to believe that we’re here at Episode 48 now! I’m so thrilled to have Julietta back again so that we can all benefit from her wealth of parenting knowledge. She teaches many classes and workshops for parents, in addition to being a school counselor and psychologist in Seattle, where she works with hundreds of students. Her most important parenting work, however, is at home with her children, ages 4 and 7. Today’s topic is all about Toddlers—raising them and dealing with those around us who might not agree with our parenting methods. Join us!

What you’ll hear in this episode:

  • Toddlers are biologically driven to explore the world through visual learning and touch.

  • We need to find a way to bridge between our world and their world.

  • They need to know that you hear them and understand them.

  • Connect with them, see them, and hear them.

  • With 2-3 year olds, redirection and distraction can be effective tools to move them on to what they need to do next.

  • What it means to “get them to the second location”

  • With older toddlers, use curiosity questions and give them a wait time.

  • With younger toddlers, limit their choices to ones that you’re ok with.

  • Mutual respect is essential—even with toddlers!

  • Help them get excited about the next step with PLAY.

  • Use deep firmness and structure.

  • How should we handle destructive behaviors?

    • Speak consistently

    • Model connection and firmness

    • Supervise!

  • Model and help them learn empathy

  • Transitions cause anxiety for kids, so do your prevention work!

In dealing with others’ opinions, remember that we’re all challenged as parents; we’re all doing the best we can with the tools we have.

Resources:

www.besproutable.com (Julietta has video examples and other parenting resources.)

Julietta's website l Facebook

Join the Joyful Courage Facebook group: Live and Love with Courage.

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