Eps 164: Jeremy Schneider, MFT Talks About Navigating our Partner's Parenting Journey

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Today’s guest is Jeremy Schneider. Jeremy is a Marriage and Family Therapist whose career spans more than 15 years of working with individuals and families focussing on parenting, relationships and mental health. He is the author of Fatherhood in 40 Minute Snapshots and has been  featured on the New York Times, The Today Show and CNN. We will be discussing co-parenting and alignment with our partners. Join us!

"Every step that I take in my personal growth is one less step that they have to take.”

“A lot of parenting is about experimentation.”

“You just get better the more you do it. Just keep trying.”

“We don’t want to be the same parent. We just want to be parenting in the same direction.”


What you’ll hear in this episode:

-Journaling as a way to maintain perspective

-Examining our principles of parenting

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-Deciding what kind of people we want to raise

-Personal growth and parenting - how they relate

-Co-parenting and being in alignment with our parents

-Fatherhood and parental involvement of dads

-Finding balance as co-parents in agreeing on a parenting approach

-The importance of parenting education

-Navigating parenting as a dad when you feel uncertain

-How Dads can model emotional expression for their kids

-Approaching our partners with curiosity about their parenting approach

-Parenting as a practice

-Finding harmony in parenting styles

What does Joyful Courage mean to you?

 Having survived a fairly traumatic childhood, I think about courage a lot. I don’t normally think about it in terms of myself and that’s something that I’ve been working on to give myself credit for how far I’ve come and what I’ve been able to do and the kind of relationships I’ve been able to build within my family.

I think Joyful courage is being able to enjoy, not the success, I’m trying to think of the word, being able to bask in this life I’ve built. It took a lot of work to get where I am and my wife and I have worked very hard to get where we are together. And we’ve worked very hard to survive as long as we have with our kids and get this far and I think, to me, one of the phrases that I play a lot in my head is happy chaos. I think of our life as happy chaos.

Chaos doesn’t have to be bad and that’s kind of the way we think about it. My life is chaos, it’s just straight chaotic, because having teenagers and wanting to be there for them and wanting to be there for my wife and build this business and so and so forth; it’s chaos. But it’s a happy chaos because it all involves things that I love.

And to me Joyful Courage has that same kind of feel, right? It’s the freedom, the sort of joyfulness of doing something that takes an enormous effort and overcoming anxiety and fear to be able to do it but that doesn’t mean that it’s bad. It can still be joyful in that experience of it.

Resources:

Fatherhood in 40 Minute Snapshots

Where to find:

Website | Facebook | Twitter

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Eps 107: Casey is Solo and Homework is on Fire

Join the Joyful Courage Tribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage.  Raising our children while growing ourselves...

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Skills, skills skills! Mama Tanya shares with our community an incredible example of how meeting your child where they are at can shift the outcome of your experience. It is easy for us as parents to become presumptive about misguided behavior  Remember how curiosity is key? By becoming curious with our kids, we are able to recognize the skills they still need to develop, as well as see the reasons for certain choices, which are not always what they seem.

Mama Tanya shares:

“Sorry for the long post but I need some advice. “ school, and they gave him homework to do over the weekend. He said he didn't think it was fair to have homework on the weekends (which I agree), but on Saturday he set his homework on fire! Took the lighter when no one was watching, went outside like he was going to go play, and set it on fire burning half the page and dunking it in the pool.

When I found the half burned sheet of paper in the pool, I kept my cool but was obviously shocked that he would react that way to homework. I let him know that I thought it was a poor decision to 1. light something on fire (safety!) and 2. refuse to do his homework in such a permanent way. Internally I felt helpless and frantic to solve the problem, externally I let him know that I get it, homework sucks, and I reminded him that he could ask for help.

I asked him what made him set it on fire, was he feeling overwhelmed? Or angry? Or both?  He was visibly upset both about being caught and about homework so I didn't preach or press the issue until later that day. When he was calm I talked to him about how sometimes we have to do things we don't like (like washing dishes) but we can learn to do it anyway, it doesn't have to be perfect, and we can ask for help.

I also explained that between two extremes (setting homework on fire and staying up till midnight doing homework- neither which are healthy) he could find a happy medium. He said he had not done his best and that he would try to do his best this week. - I felt like it was handled positively all in all.

But, when he told his father and co-parent (who lives elsewhere) over the phone, his dad immediately started saying that he wasn't going to send him something previously promised, that he would take his computer and phone away if he ever did it again, and went into punishment mode.

So, what would you do? I thought about saying he couldn't do his electronic time until he completed his homework. Or I would give him extra electronic time every time he completed his homework. But I am super conflicted. I feel like homework issues should be dealt with by the teacher. Natural consequences. Of course I want to help the teacher, but not sure how...”

Bullet Point:

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  • How to approach the reasoning behind the behavior

  • Kids do more in response with how they feel

  • Getting off the emotional freight train

  • Getting curious so we can be solution minded, see where child has influence

  • Parents assume children make choices rationally, when in fact they have limited skills

  • Revisiting Dr. Siegel’s “Palm of the Hand” example

  • Assessing what else can be going on inside their body

  • How to identify lacking skills and helping kids deal with the discomfort

  • Letting go of our perspective as the only perspective

  • Letting go of “should” (ex. They should know better)

Links mentioned in the show:

Podcast Episode 75 – Marcilie Boyle
Podcast Episode 100 – Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
Dan Siegel's Brain Video
Casey's Teaches Kids about the Brain

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Mother’s Journey to Joyful Courage

PNW FALL TOUR!!

I am so so SO happy and excited to get to share ALL the details about this amazing workshop! Registration is now open for my Bellingham, Seattle and Portland events and SPACE IS LIMITED so you are going to want to sign up NOW and reserve your spot.
www.joyfulcourage.com/mothersjourney

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Coaching with Casey

Are you playing with the idea of one on one coaching? I currently have a few spots available in my schedule and would LOVE to work with you.

Coaching with Casey is a three month commitment. We will explore your vision for parenting and even bigger, how you want to show up for your life. We explore mindset, and how shifts in mindset create big shifts in relationship. And finally, we deep dive into the tools and strategies of Positive Discipline for teaching, modeling and practicing life skills.

Coaching is an investment. If you would like to find out more, and explore the possibility that coaching is a good fit for you, schedule a 20 minute explore call.  Click here and we will schedule our call!

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Be a Subscriber

Make sure to SUBSCRIBE to the Joyful Courage Podcast on iTunes to get the latest shows STRAIGHT to your device!!  AND PLEASE rate and review the Joyful Courage Parenting Podcast on iTunes to help me spread the show to an ever larger audience!!

CLICK HERE to watch a video that shows up how to subscribe with your iPhone!